No ragrets

I’m becoming increasily anxious at the prospect of Gold Coast Medical airing now that it looks like it is set to become a reality in the next few weeks. I am anxious about how we, as a tattooed lesbian couple, will be portrayed and also received. I am anxious at the fact that I was nervous during initial filming, and when I am nervous I either try to fill the awkwardness with meaningless words that are generally just sitting in my mouth and spill out like Niagara Falls or I laugh manically like a hyena at everything. I remember when they were interviewing us and asking about our fertility journey that my mind was ten steps ahead of my mouth and I was stuttering and then after I had said something, I would remember something else that had happened along the way, months prior to what I had just talked about so I ended up leaving so much out. I was so worried about doing an ugly cry during the interview that I think I may have had a really creepy smile on my face while I was taking about miscarriages (don’t quote me on that), but that is kind of my ‘go to’ face when I am either really uncomfortable or day dreaming. If I was wearing my sociopathic mask, Australia is going to be watching and think I am the next Charles Manson for sure. Underneath all this anxiety, I am also worried that some really backward people are going to be watching, track us down online and slam us with homophobic religious quotes or worse, start inadvertently attacking Oakland for being the product of a same-sex relationship. This has happened on Instagram and also Facebook, where we have copped so much flack for being lesbian and for “being selfish enough to expose an innocent child to a life of sin”.

So now I am sitting here second guessing our decision to be part of the show in case it sets Oakland up for a life of shit.no-ragrets-1

During my pregnancy we began having discussions about the life he might face at school, and what we will do to protect him from bullies who may attack him for having dark skin or two mums. The sad part about all of this is that we know it is not the other kids’ fault, they were clean slates. Bullying and hatred are learned traits. I myself have been both a victim and a perpertrator of bullying in the past, and this is something that I now have to live with. It is not a nice feeling being on either end. All we can do is raise him to know that others might not be lucky enough to come from a home where difference is not only accepted but encouraged! Praise him for the things that make him the unique little being that he is and teach him to be kind enough to forgive those that don’t see his differences as the beautiful gifts they are. I would love to hear from anyone who was raised in a non-traditional household and what your experiences were/are.

In other news, for the last couple of weeks Oakland has begun sleeping like a dream! He has been in his own room now for almost a month, and after the first (rough) week, he began to chill out. He is now sleeping (generally) from 7:30pm-4:30am, waking and needing a pat, then back again til 5:30am when I bring him to our bed, give him milk and he may or may not fall back asleep while cuddling us. He is almost 15 months, and what a long bloody 15 months it has been but finally there is a light at the end of the long ass tunnel. Cutting his nightly feeds was brutal, not just for him but also for me while my poor boob adjusted to the space between feeds. He is doing so well though and I am so proud of him. I can’t imagine how scary it must feel being alone in a big room all the sudden, but he has adjusted like a little champ. His day nap routine is almost like clockwork now too. The cutest bit is he knows his routine. He eats his dinner, has his bath, we play or read a book then I ask him to help clean up his toys then tell him it is bed time. He knows exactly what that means, will instantly start crying while walking his little butt down to his room. It is the most adorable and sad thing to watch. While he has his day naps our old photos play randomly through the Apple TV and I won’t lie, seeing newborn Oakland all snuggled up in the wrap on my chest, the insane bags under my eyes and this new mum smile peeking out through the look of sheer exhaustion is making this gal cluck cluck cluck! Number Two coming soon????

 

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