I feel like the biggest fucking idiot. I just spent the last half hour driving home, crying to myself while Oakland stares at me like a little weido from the back seat. I should be elated, last night GCM aired and we have been inundated with the most amazing messages from all kinds of people who support us, feel inspired by us and are proud of us. Most are completely random people, which is so humbling. But anyway, here I am feeling like crap. Allow me to share my afternoon with you all…
A few months ago I had my operation which cleared my fallopian tubes. I stupidly allowed myself to be convinced in my own head that I was magically cured and would now only require IUI to fall pregnant. I’ve been living in this little dream land ever since, imaging how easy it will now be for us to grow our family. Well, today I had my appointment with my specialist to go over my results and discuss future treatment options. I was crushed within minutes of sitting down once he told me that I would still require IVF. He told me I could definitely attempt IUI however going by my track record with shitty fucking eggs, crappy bloody quality embryos that don’t even make it to freezing etc etc (I kind of tuned out after this) he wouldn’t even bother if he were me. My best chance is IVF. I absolutely need ICSI so really, IUI is void. I would be wasting money and precious time, given IUI gives me one egg per month and IVF could get me more, maybe even some frosties. I say could because it really hasn’t in the past and I don’t see why it would now, two years on. Add to that I am now 31 and we all know what that means. I am young in the scheme of things compared to a lot of his patients he said, butttt I am also not young fertility wise, especially not with a bum level AMH. Well that was fucking devastating. Add to that he is going to up my dose of everything to overstimulate me so that we hopefully do get extra eggs, which means I will feel like absolute shit, be bloated and sick as hell the entire time, in addition to being a hormonal wreck. I asked him how that is going to work given that I have had OHSS with every cycle and he was pretty nonchalant about it. Fun times ahoy.
I rang Alee, who was at work, to tell her and just began crying. Then I felt guilty as shit because here I am being a selfish cow, crying when things could be way worse. We already have Oakland and IVF is far from the worst thing in the world. But even my doctor said to me that once you have a baby, it is easy to forget how hard IVF is “but it is hard. It is really, really hard”. Hearing those words from him rung true to me and made me think about how hard it really was for us. Not nearly as hard as some people have it, but I guess our journey is ours and you can’t always compare yourself to others. I got through our failed cycles by comparing myself to those worse off and counting myself lucky I had only two miscarriages. It could have been three. I could have been so unlucky that I never even got pregnant. But maybe today I will allow myself some self pity and be happy in my misery. Tomorrow can be my happy day.
Add to that, while I was in the waiting room at the clinic there was a couple sitting there, and I overheard them discussing how this wasn’t their first cycle. She looked really down and stressed. I made the assumption that they don’t have kids as it seemed that way. Meanwhile I am sitting there in front of them with Oakland and it felt as though I was rubbing that in their faces. (I obviously wasn’t but it felt awful). I guess this is because I remember being them. I would sit in the waiting room and there would be people who have had successful cycles, sitting there with their children and I hated them. I was so envious of them. I shouldn’t have been, they have likely been through hell and back to have those kids and I was happy for them, but I still hated them. Now I was that guy, and I felt guilty as hell sitting there.
Today I woke thinking that once Oakland went down I would sit and write a happy blog post about how touched and humbled we are at the amazing reception we have had from GCM last night. We’ve received the most lovely messages all night and day. Channel 7 portrayed us in such a good light and I think our story will really help to demonstrate to the public that same sex couples are deserving of a family too and we are just like ‘them’, wanting to love and be loved and share that with our children. We hope it helped the LGBTIQ community in some way. I’ve also had women with fertility issues contacting me all day saying they found our story inspirational, and that really makes me feel good. Undertaking IVF is so consuming and can sometimes feel like an endless journey with no clear win in sight, so to have convinced even one woman to keep positive and try again is a win for me. I appreciate each and every single comment, like, share and message that I have received. I really do. It’s amazing to know that even though I don’t want to embark on yet another cycle (but obviously have to if I want to have more children) I will be surrounded by so much love, light, positivity and support from friends, family and complete strangers who want this for us almost as much as we do.
So if you watched the show last night (or if you missed it and want to see it check out Channel 7’s catch up online) thank you. Thanks for the support we are getting. Thanks for all the love and beautiful, kind words. I feel so much more confident in beginning another cycle knowing we have you all behind us, cheering us on. I look forward to sharing our impending ups and downs with you, and alongside many of you in the same boat. I found Bub Hub IVF groups amazing during my last cycle and will be back in these groups for sure, so if you are wanting support yourself, check them out. You can always message me too, I love talking babies and IVF.