The Single Life

I’ve been going it alone for a while now. The daily monotonous routine of waking and changing a wet bum, making breakfast that gets thrown on the floor, cleaning the floor and the kid, trying to brush my teeth, apply makeup and poop while entertaining a toddler whilst simultaneously have the house looking less Chernobyl and more Balinese resort is exhausting.

Skip forward a few hours, including the one measly hour that Oakland sleeps during the day now, and it is suddenly 5pm, which means GO TIME! This is the hour where my semi-tidy and peaceful home becomes as frenzied as a scene on World War Z. It means dinner prep with a kid clinging to your leg, then sitting in front of a toddler trying to distract him with stupid faces and lame, repetitive nursery rhymes while he painfully spends an hour eating one single pea before throwing his entire home-cooked dinner on the dog’s back underneath him. Well at least someone is grateful for the fucking effort you put in picking herbs and tomatoes from the garden. Thank god I have dogs to clean this shit up by the way. If you have a toddler, you need a dog. Next up is bath time, where you once easy to bathe babe is now trying to put you in an early grave by demonstrating just how fast a kid can run and slide on the sides of the tub, or just how close they can get to impaling their heads on the tap every time they play leap-frog.  You will then find yourself running through the house chasing a tiny, slippery little human who is busy pissing on your couch and carpet, if they aren’t sliding on the tiles and smashing their face into the ground. Once you manage to grab the little sucker and get them dressed, they will inevitably shit in the brand new nappy (if they didn’t do it in the bath). Once this is all over, you’ve read a million books and sung those annoying nursery rhymes again, you can put the monster to bed. Hopefully you are one of those lucky parents that has a kid that has clicked on that bedtime is a good thing, but if you are me you then spend 40+ minutes going in and out, cuddling, patting, singing, maybe you’ll try ignoring the crying for ten minutes or so before finally giving up on life, lying in the cot and flopping out a boob and doing what all health nurses warn you not to do from day one, “don’t EVER feed a baby to sleep, it is a bad habit and hard to break”. Thanks bitch, I figured that one out a bit too late.

After all this, after I water all my plants, feed my fucking zoo, clean Oakland’s dishes and put away his toys I then can finally eat my dinner, do the dishes and go to bed. But where is Alee you ask? Am I actually a single mum now? Well, no, not in the way you are thinking. Alee has been working extremely long hours for as long as I can remember now. She is gone in the morning by 7-8am and is home around 9ish. Actually, it is now 9:37pm and she still isn’t home. I appreciate that she is working hard to give Oakland and I an amazing life and we are so grateful, but living like a single parent is fucking tiring. At least most single parents co-parent and get a break, even if it is just every second weekend to be able to pee alone, or get Maccas without the kids in the car so you don’t feel like an utter failure as a mum for not cooking some organic vegan cuisine that isn’t full of aspartame or preservative 220. You’ve essentially doomed your kid to a life with autism or cancer if you feed them Maccas, you know that right? Hang your head in shame if you drink Coke Zero from Maccas then breastfeed your child too.

So here I am now, sitting alone in bed with the dogs. I’ve enjoyed my slow cooked beef, seasoned with herbs and tomatoes from my little patch, I’ve caught up with managing Alee’s bookings, because I spend hours running her business too by the way, and I’ve cleaned the house so that it is ready to be trashed again in a few hours. God knows when Alee will be home from work but I know she will be too tired to enjoy the meal I managed to cook, so she will likely have just gotten takeaway on the trip home. She will literally get home, shower and sleep. Oakland will wake at about 3am as he does every night and then we are back in to the routine all over again. It’s funny, I feel guilty for complaining, as though what I went through to have Oakland means that I should be grateful and happy with every second we have together. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful but I don’t think this means I am not entitled to feel every emotion that other parents are allowed to express without judgement.

This brings me to tomorrow! I am so so so excited. Alee is taking her first day off in forever so I am off to the dentist ALONE in the morning. The 10 minute drive without a child screaming in the back seat will be heaven. I am then booked for a body scrub and massage in the arvo. This shit just doesn’t happen to me! Tomorrow is a Carly day, and it is about bloody time. I am at the point of breaking if something doesn’t give soon. Well, Alee just rung and she is on her way home. 10pm. I dare say she is excited for her time with Oak tomorrow too! Sucker, she doesn’t know what hell awaits her!

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12 thoughts on “The Single Life

  1. So true hunny! love it well done on keeping your shit together 👌 i find it so weird driving in the car without a child when i get the rare time out, its so peaceful 😅

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  2. Ahh your blogs are so refreshing Carly, having a toddler and a wifey too I know how damn hard it can be as a stay at home mum! Everything I just read I have or am experiencing! Soak every piece of your day up and enjoy! You deserve it! X

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  3. Omg this was so funny lmao. I couldn’t stop laughing! I relate to every damn thing you wrote. Right now waiting for my 3 year old to wake up screaming for me to come get her because she thinks she’s still a newborn and forgot she can walk. Then the craziness begins. Thanks for the laughs!

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