This morning I was doing the mad nudie run from bed to the shower while Alee was doing her makeup and Oakland was on our bed distracted by his other family; The Bloody Wiggles. As I passed Alee she looked down then lost her shit laughing. I asked her what the hell was so funny and she replied “nice hair!” and pointed to my vag. You know what Alee? Fuck you.
Yep, I have pubes Alee. Sorry that I literally only have time for a two minute shower, where I don’t really even wash myself, it’s more like a water rinse and occasionally I can treat myself and lather up some bodywash if I time it perfectly to coincide with The Propellor and Rock-A-Bye Your Bear. Otherwise I end up with Oakland sitting on the bathmat, door wide open and him playing shot put with all kinds of goodies right into the shower. This morning my mobile nearly took a swim because he decided to hang up from his make believe call to nanna and chuck her in the pool. And you know what else? IF I did manage to have enough time to treat myself to a quick shave, I would rather use that time to pee alone for a change. It’s not like I have anyone to impress these days. It’s not like anyone with a child actually has sex. Oakland sees me naked more often than Alee and I don’t really think he gives two shits what my pubes look like. He’s probably more confused as to why mummy has lost her diddle. So no, I will not be using the precious minutes I have in my day to trim my vag.
I am 99% sure most mummies are going to agree with me here. Dealing with body hair is so not at the top of our daily ‘to do’ list. Shit, you could quite literally knit enough blankets for all of Melbourne’s homeless with just my legs. Between the bush and the carpet, when I take Oakland to his weekly swimming lesson most people probably think they spotted Big Foot’s midget sister. But I really don’t give a shit. If things get real bad, at least I know I’ve got a potential career if there is ever a 70s porn revival.