This is going to make me sound like a cunt. When I am going through IVF (or just prior, like right now) I literally HATE all pregnant people. If you are preggo, just stay the fuck away from me. No, I am not fucking happy for you. I definitely do not want to see your positive piss sticks or your blurry as all shit scans of some unreadable little blob and tell you how cute it is. It is a fucking little 5 week old dot people, I am not playing this game of ‘guess the gender’ or ‘whose nose do you think it has?’ today.
When you are trying and failing for a baby you become super aware of pregnant women. It literally seems like the number of pregnant women in your immediate area code quadruples and they are always wherever the hell you happen to be, all glowing and gorgeous and just rubbing it in your un-pregnant face.
On one of my mother’s groups about 8 (maybe more, there was another I just saw) women have announced their pregnancies in the last 24 hours. That seems a bit fucking ridiculous to me. And incredibly insulting.
Last time I miscarried one of my friends fell pregnant a few weeks after I had and she was continuously uploading photos of her scans and ever expanding belly. Photos of her nursery and baby clothes she bought flooded my Facebook feed. The whole time I just couldn’t be happy for her. I just thought “that should be me”. And the whole time I felt disgusting and selfish because I couldn’t get past my own shit to be happy for someone who deserved to celebrate her pregnancy. After a few months I ended up blocking her from appearing in my news feed. It was all I could do to not resent and hate her.
During my cycles I was an active member on Bub Hub. I found a beautiful group of women who were all doing IVF, some who had also had miscarriages. These women all shared my resentment towards pregnant women, or women who just seemed to fall pregnant by walking past a penis. It wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. Why was this happening to us? These pregnant women would never understand the struggle. Then one day I finally fell pregnant and stayed pregnant. A few women on the group also did and suddenly I noticed a shift in the tone from the other women who were not pregnant. We were suddenly those women that we previously resented. We ended up starting another group for the pregnant women as we were no longer welcomed into the group of women who struggled to conceive, despite what we had all endured to get there. Add to that I felt guilty as shit discussing my HCG levels, or how dreadful my morning sickness was or how excited I was to finally see my own little blurry blob and try to see what features he or she had of mine.
It was only when I began to show and when I was out in public that I realised how wrong my original thoughts had been. Were there women looking at me and thinking “fuck her, she probably just had some one night stand and got knocked up, bet she isn’t even grateful for her baby”? Was I upsetting other women who were struggling, who had been trying for years or who had lost their own babies? I quickly learned that you cannot judge another pregnant woman on her journey, because you don’t know her journey.
So to all those ladies in my baby groups announcing their pregnancies, fuck you. I still hate you and will likely block you from my feed. Pretty sure I am not the only one! Butttt I am happy for you (deep, deep down somewhere) and wish you all the best. I’ll even unblock you once I get pregnant myself and we can complain about back ache and how much pregnancy sucks together.