Firstly, I would like to make a public apology to any parent who attended Toddler Sense today alongside Oakland and who had to witness him full force feral and pantless. Secondly, I’d further like to apologise to anyone who may have stepped in his shit as they walked through the car park, and I know there were a few of you. Let me explain myself…
As per any normal insane morning in our home, things were rushed today. We ran out the door late with no food in our bellies, no fuel in our car and as usual forgetting half the things we needed. We managed to stop and get some fuel, grab some junk and that at least fixed half of our problems. We got to sensory in fairly good time and secretly high fived ourselves for the effort. As Alee grabbed Oakland out and he walked in front of us we could do nothing but quietly die as pieces of bright orange shit fell out of his pants with each step through the car park. My first assumption was that Alee must have put his nappy on wrong, so I began accusing her while we grabbed him and threw him in the boot. I undressed him as Alee grabbed the nappy bag. I tried my best to salvage the one pair of pants we had with us and failed. There were poo chunks all through his pants. It was at this point that I had to make the decision of whether we clean Oakland up and send him to class with no pants or just sneak back into the car and bail. And of course this was not just any class. This was his final class forever. He has been attending since he was 6.5 weeks old, that is more than 2 years. This also happened to be the Christmas breakup, meaning not only were the usual parents here, but also their partners, grandparents and other friends and family. Basically, despite the fact Oakland is always dressed immaculately, none of these people would know that and would just assume that he is always a total feral kicking around in a nappy. We decided to brave the public.
Alee passed me the nappy bag and it was only as I had Oakland’s ass and legs in the air that I realised that this week while I was out of action with gastro, Alee had taken Oakland (and the nappy bag) out for the day, and of course she had not restocked it. Three wipes in to what was the equivalent of cleaning up the aftermath of Hiroshima with a single wheelbarrow, I ran out of wipes. Holding his ass mid-air I waited til a mum walked past and sheepishly asked to borrow some wipes (stupid terminology since no way would she want them back) and luckily she said yes. She took one look at the shituation in the back of my car and just gave me her entire pack and said to find her later on to return the rest. Insert me yet again giving Alee a piece of my mind for not filling the nappy bag. Her response was that she didn’t know she had to. Make it known that I feel like after 2 years, that if you haven’t figured out that when you take an item from a nappy bag, your number one priority once you get home should be to restock said item as it clearly is something that will be needed again, then I don’t think even a basic, free, online parenting class is going to be able to help you. Probably not even a quick Google search is going to assist you here.
We went inside and survived the hour by trying to pretend Oakland wasn’t with us, and me trying my best to explain what happened to every single person there and make it seem as though it was just naturally flowing from a ‘casual’ conversation and that I totally didn’t care about him running riot in just a crappy Christmas singlet.
With each late arrival to the class that had to walk through the car park, my head hung lower and lower in shame at the knowledge that they had to walk right past the little nuggets that Oakland had lovingly gifted them just outside. It was Christmas after all.
We left the class as quickly as we arrived, and as we back tracked our steps from the hour before, sure as can be we walked right past what was left of Oakland’s little trail, leading right up to my car. Let’s just say they were a tad more flat than they were when he deposited them. I saw the mum who loaned me wipes look down and take note as she walked past. She would have known that was us for sure. Then as I put Oakland in his seat I watched on in silent horror as one of the dads put his foot right in it. Sorry guy.
Despite the sheer horror, and the fact that this could literally only happen to me and only on the very last day of what would have been a stellar 2 year track record of zero fuck ups, it has to be said that little Oakland left his mark forever on Toddler Sense and all the parents who were there today. He definitely left his mark on a few pairs of shoes.